z143x

i dont mean to blurt out on him. or just blow up.
i dont mean to be angry all the time.. but honestly im tired of holding it in for this long now.
besides with the shit you find out these days who can handle it?
its not only him ive been blowing up on.. its with everyone. even myself.
im tired of picking fights.
im tiured of thinking of what was suppose to be a 'him'
im tired of doubting this and im tired of nights of endless-thoughts.
im sick of my own shit. 
im sick of trying to explain myself and come out with the wrong words.
im sick of shutting people out and disappearing from my friends.
im sick of this anxiety.

again im sick of my own shit.



the question ive been dying to ask you, since the beginning: is this what expected to be with?

hmm so its been awhile since ive updated this one.
so heres the melodramatic update. never felt so confused in my life.
not confused as in what situation to go with but confused as in why the fuck am i feeling so null?
sure its been like this for months but now its gotten to the point where i dont know what to say/do/anything.

so brian has left me for another girl [we're not dating so why do i even care?]
bc hes my best friend . . . 12 years of childhood n hes going for another girl. only thing we did today was share a lunch n he suddenly has to go. i kinda felt ditched.

i feel like my lack of interst is keeping me away from friends.
not comparing with reut. i miss her, two years now since ive seen her.
and i really wanted to see her during the winter. i thought itd be a site o see snow on the beach [never seen it in my life]
but i didnt want to go alone bc im not the only friend that misses her.
except its hard to go around 3445456456 millon peoples schedule. and even now its getting hard to figure out a date to see her. [INSERT SIGH HERE]

summer is almost over. wehre did the time go?
now theres so much to do. im worrried about school. i have a feeling im gonna end up in summer school or become a super-senior.
havent taken the SAT's i was suppose to [missed the last two tests]
have to retake regents i failed bc of misconcentration [due to my mind on --shall not say-- but my termination]
retake classes to take those regents
but in my mind im just saying 'one more year claudia. thats it one more year.'
one more year and then what? gotta start school again. dont even know what i want to be.
child psychology . . cant be around kids anymore. its just to said.
chef . . food will be my depression
personal trainer . . maybe, eventually ill find an excuse for this one.

i found the dolphin lewis got me when we went ot central park one day.
i cant not say i miss him bc truthfully i do.
but its the miss in havent-heard-from-you type of missing.
i just wonder how he is. still living at home? ran away? killed himself? [not a joke..hes capable of doing so]
i dare not to call him bc of zach. never liked him. dnt think theyll get along.
but yes i do hate him for the abuse. and if i could do soemthing about it.. id go see him now n punch him. just let it all out on him. [HAH. here comes the unnecessary tears]

since the tear are here might as well stop fighting them and let them out on this topic. zach. such a wonderful guy. apologizes for something he really shouldnt have to. but i do take the apology.
can you believe its been over a year now? . . actually [going to the calendar] a year n 8months !
i kinda surprise myself on that one. lately ive been worrying on him too. i kinda look at him n he can seem as if somethings botehring him --this pissed off face he makes. but idk what to ask him n idk if he really is pissed off. when i find out that he is im not sure how to react to it [once it was about his hair] or how to resolve it. and that ust makes me worry bc i feel like i probably dont know him anymore or that i never did know him. that i practically assumed most things about him [assume..such an ironic word bc it add ASS into it. always loved that word. gotta be my favorite word. assume n ironic]. but i love him. theres this face that he kinda has. makes him look like a little boy. he usually gives it to me when he just stares. always loved it when he stares. i just didnt know how to react to it, still dont. but that face [fucking tears] is what i always wanted to capture. still do at time but from the damn termination makes me wonder if he would have looked like zach. oh babe how you dwell on me. ill miss what i was never ever able to experience. [eyes going blind from the tears, throat closing up, mind going blank]

all in all i love zach. ive committed all that i can. but i dont where its leading to. i guess im too young to understand n was too young to be committed.


well its gotten long. so glad no one reads this. altho once in a while i wish pple knew what ive been thro.
the feelings and the reasons for them.

it hasnt been the best of days.
ive been hungry but afraid to eat
been awake at nite but sleep in class.
this week is gonna be hell, especially of last nite.
stupid finals and regents review in the same week.
should be working on this stupid english essay. then i gotta start my history term project.
its due wednes. i dont no what to draw for any of the words.
this was you get from teenage procrastination.

well no nes home.. no ones been home since 7 of this morning.
im always left alone on sundays when its suppose to be 'family day'.
over the summer im also gonna be left alone in the house on fridays.
it seems like theres not much to do anymore but
go to movies or out to eat. wanna start a game again.
maybe not hockey this time bc i get more bruised that way.

bah gotta wake up brian and play dress up

The lights are on but you're not home
You've drifted off somewhere alone
Somewhere that's safe,
No questions here
A quiet place where you hide from your fears
Sometimes when you're out of rope
The way to climb back up's unclear
The walls you build around yourself
I guess they also keep you here
Are you afraid of what they think?
Whoever "they" happen to be
Or are you hiding from the scars of your own reality?
So you sedate and drown in vain
You've got a pill for every day
A suit and tie to mask the truth
It's ugly head is starting to show through
The monster you're feeding,
Your lack of perception
The things that you do
To fullfill your addictions
The light at the end of your tunnel is closing
What is it that you're so afraid of exposing?
You'd give it all up for what's there for the taking
Whatever it takes to keep your hands from shaking
The same things you're thinking might make you feel better
The same things that probably got you here

non ambition?
Je suis paresseux quand il venez à école travail.
pas économiquement.
Je soyez un pessimiste cynique perdant tout. Mais je ayez pas souci penché bas pour être un arrogant personne cela se repose sur un divan. Et souci au sujet de bas paiement le travail.

stupide anneau donne un démangez pour mois

ever had that feeling that made you feel so low?
personally i dont know why it wasnt the same.
i usually have at least an emotional pleasure to begin with during sex.
yesterday i couldnt even start with that. i didnt know what to do.
i just wanted be alone after that. i didnt wanna be touched.. looked at.. i wnated to hide under the covers.
but it wasnt my place.
so we just went to the movies.

went home n he told me he found my scratches.
soemthing else to be ashamed at.
thats when i could crawl n go to my own space.
but then i couldnt bc of the fucking wavering-couple.
i broke the sink.
i was close to collapsing from my exhaustion but didnt until 2.47 of this morning.
but only slept for a good two hours.. the most grieving two hours of my night.
i had a reoccuring dream. . . shows how much i know about home.
my home is the past. its changed n i gotta realize its gone.
memories scantily mean a thing these days.
fuck this home.. n fuck my past.

im miserable now.
for months ive had moments where ive broken down n just wanted to say 'i wanna go home'
like a little kid would say after getting hurt by the jungle gym. . but id say it in my head bc i knew it wouldnt sound rite coming from a 14(through my 15 n 16) yr old.

hah.. HEY JUDE was stuck in my head all day friday.
i sang it over n over again to amy.
she must think im crazy.
now i just need someone to come to the mall with me tmr.

..was thursday but we celebrated it today.
went to 'strike' n pooled but mike zach n all of them seemed to get mad.
i just wanted a night where i can have zach meet my friends n we all hang out together.
since he says that he doesnt kno my friends.. but then when he briefly meets them he thinks they hate him.
so pool didnt go as planned.. n we didnt get to bowl. we got the go-carts thanks to tony.
see i cant drive.. i was slammed badly.
bu what an ass. i thought shay would just joke around with them.. but he said it seriously.
tony just thought it was great. it aint so great when you have whip-lash and you feel like your shoulders just parted froim there place. i even lost my breathe there for a second bc of the seat belt.
maybe i picked the wrong day. im telling you amy naturally gives that intimitating look. i guess he just didnt get it.
we ate n went to the carnival. i promised her id go on the zipper with her.
but idont remmber the last tiem i went on a rollercoaster or a shootingstar.
the suspense was literally killing me bc i dont think carnivals are so safe. hah.. my hands are sweating to the memory of them.
i thought something else would go bad since 'strike'. i onyl got scratches. felt somewhat good.
if it were up to me i woildnt have gone to the carnival bc i dont like them.
but iddnt tell amy anything about it bc iwouldnt felt bad.
afterwards i just went home.

but before 'strike' and all of that. kris has an anxiety attack. i was going towards her n aly. but she looked like she couldnt breathe n and she was red n crying. i staryed with her for a while.. missed a bit of eng. i wasnt sure what to do bc ive never seen her like that. kinda scared me myself.. i was beginning to shake. but finally SANGES came called soemone for her. i hope shes ok.. gotta call her today. then i took a test n went out for lunch i was trying to get back in but couldnt. i missed out on my test bc i got locked out of the school.
stupid security n fucking senior cut day.
alex asked me to go with him to six flags. i said i couldnt n that i wouldnt unless jason(chino) came along.
sasquach had problems with edwin's dime.. didnt know it was his.. n i felt bad bc i was the only one that paid n it was 3 dollars plus the paper.
he called me while i was eating while we ate at the pizzeria .. n i joked with him telling him.. 'hey im around you grrfriends place' amy n i just laughed. but he automatically said.. 'no, ex grfriend'
while we were stuck outside he calledd her phone n left a message telling her that he has smoked n she doenst liek him smoking. we chilled outside during 8th n he waitewd for her bc she was going over his place.
he even asked me if he should avoid/ignore her or listen to her. i told him to listen bc (thinknig i know her) she would get over it. but.. sadly she didnt.
i gotta call him up today..

i gotta see MADAGASCAR with zach.. later today.
im not really in the mood but hten again its 3 in the morning

well theres about 15 more days of school or so. but then i got another year to go.
school never seems to end. bc then theres college..which im against.
it isnt for everyone, dont basically force them to go there bc they need to get somewhere. we learn enough bullshit in high school. you wanna be a painter.. crayons from kindergarden is enough. wanna be an architect? the blocks are fine.

me? i was thinknig on going on with child psychology.. but that includes a PhD. i dont wanna cut someone up for talk time.
but ive always like movies.. i was thinking to take FILM STUDY or some shit like that.  itll really suck for me if i end up being a super senior at bayside or anywhere. bc then ill just forget the whole career thing n drop out.
-sigh- shouldve gone to frances prep. so what i wouldve been a slut i wouldve gotten somewhere career wise. bahh.. i turned it down for hte most stupid-iest 'personal' reason.
im gonna miss my close buddies when i leave.. thats if i leave.
my only decision schools are stony brook. if i dont get that.. ill just travel. or go to another community school.

its raining. i cant help but be turned on by the rain.. the smell n the moisture. reminds me of sex. when you think of sex in a good way.. you get turned on, no? ok then maybe just me.
today was something i didnt expect. the fact that it was going to rain turned me on.. it was on my mind hte whole day. not actually planning that it would happen today, but i wanted to see yach anyways.. (hah.. yach) but he had the cake we were suppose to get yesterday. looked for matt but passed him. saw a bit of el mariachi. thats a good movie. didnt get to finish it nor see the beginning of it.

its been awhile since i got that feeling as he hoovers over me. ive always debated with myself that sex has lost its touch with love. n for for a long minute i was beginning to think our relationship was going through a sex vs. love thing. sometimes you cant find the right words at the moment so we use the cliche i love you. but this time i really wanted to hear it. . . god, jsut thinknig of it makes want to come back to it.
i always thought how funny it was when you spend a memoriable moment for more than 15 minutes but when you look back to it.. its a flash of the whole thing in just one split second.

kinda sad. bc a second means nothing after a while.
genre de triste parce qu'il ne se produira pas encore.
Mais je volonté toujours amour cela jamais se reproduire moment du notre l'amour et continuez avec ceci sexe

wtf? i have to favor him btwn friends?
a kiss on the lips is better than a kiss on the cheek?
its a kiss.. a kiss has a meaning. you dont break it down to a kiss on he cheek to a kiss on the lips.
why has livejournal ended up to be all about him.
i dont favor him bc i wouldnt want to be turned down by a friend that wants to go with her bf last mintue.
he said it him self.. he couldnt stand it when his friend had a gf n he wasnt favored.
your just asking for attention.
and that makes a lousy person.

maybe im pissed bc the school year isnt done yet.
maybe im pissed bc i havent slept
maybe im pissed bc im sore n can eat anything.
maybe im pissed bc i wish i could tell you stuff without knowing youll get upset.
you say that 'it happens' n that a person needs to deal with it.. but when it comes to you.. you cant deal with it.
it eventually goes to your lil imagination n your mental pain.
then deal with it. bc it happens

i love him but sometimes i dont get him.
sometimes he'll call and tell me a story n then i dont know what to say after that.
so theres silence and then he suddenyl has to go.
idk if there is a question he has to ask or not but i doubt he just calls to tell me a story.
sometimes i have something to say but just so i dont cut him off i jsut listen.
i do that with a bunch of pple. the not talking so im not rude.
and besides itll be a stupid comment.

i was talking to zach about this.. being a loner.
i think if i were a loner i would be a little better off.
i wouldnt have to worry about satisfying anyone.
i think its the opposite with zach. he thinks hes loner n doesnt want to be.
i noticed we opposites.. in views and food.
but somehow it seems to work out a bit
excuse me while i try not to follow my pessimestic ways.

snuggles is rite.. writing out is alot better aince its hard to explain to him in words.
but then again its hard to write when you have no pen or paper n hes driving.

sleep...sleep.sleep. had none since tuesday nite.
hmm its the weekend.. its tranquilizer time. </em>

on a happy note: you know sex was remotely-great when you wake up completely sore the next day.

. .is the amount of money ive been able to hold on to for a few months now. (since december)
birthdays have come n gone n thats the amount that just seem to go up and down.
now all i wanted was a bike.. alex n alfredo n i were gonna steal one like alfy's last bike.
but ill feel guilt. so ive been going around with my board n i get tired after a while.
two weeks ago i had 402.. but hey.. money flies.. especially when you dont use it on yourself.
now amys birthday is coming up n my mama is bugging me to get rid of my sneakers.
so in total or that is gonna be 130 lost.. leaving with me 167.

so w.e im starting over.. eventually ill get the bike rite?
.. maybe in winter when no one wants to go for a ride anymore. but ill be satisfied.

. . was today.
fun.
we play some video games with his brother n mike,
then ate.. talked, and then played chinese checkers.
i hate the fact i picked something stupid.
it was last minute too.

anyways. it was crazy as usual.
school went on fire so i was outside for a good while.
except i had to stick around mr. malone to discuss my "afterschool activity" (im just gonna call it that)
found a few pple after i ditched him.
to find amy i was waving a bottle over my head so she can see me. pple thought it was a vodka bottle.
im not that stupid.
we had to go back to class but we skipped 4th period.. good bc i didnt do her work.
umm did bad on my math test like always.
somehow drama comes along whenver i have a test..
i get the stuff but cant keep my mind on it.
yea.. stay in school til 5.15, couldnt sleep there bc i have insomnia so i worte a lot...
ran for the bus.i was gonna quickly see nicole's game but i would be late.
got home at 6.00 and got a ride half way to baysdie again.. so i stoppped n got his mom flowers bc mothers day is coming up.. had to at least get something for some one who deserves it.

now im home again.. im suppose to stay home tomorrow
but i have to do stuff with zach.

ebony is back.. i love this dog.

. . was today.
fun.
we play some video games with his brother n mike,
then ate.. talked, and then played chinese checkers.
i hate the fact i picked something stupid.
it was last minute too.

anyways. it was crazy as usual.
school went on fire so i was outside for a good while.
except i had to stick around mr. malone to discuss my "afterschool activity" (im just gonna call it that)
found a few pple after i ditched him.
to find amy i was waving a bottle over my head so she can see me. pple thought it was a vodka bottle.
im not that stupid.
we had to go back to class but we skipped 4th period.. good bc i didnt do her work.
umm did bad on my math test like always.
somehow drama comes along whenver i have a test..
i get the stuff but cant keep my mind on it.
yea.. stay in school til 5.15, couldnt sleep there bc i have insomnia so i worte a lot...
ran for the bus.i was gonna quickly see nicole's game but i would be late.
got home at 6.00 and got a ride half way to baysdie again.. so i stoppped n got his mom flowers bc mothers day is coming up.. had to at least get something for some one who deserves it.

now im home again.. im suppose to stay home tomorrow
but i have to do stuff with zach.

ebony is back.. i love this dog.

hes still upset. i cant tell bc of the sound of his voice on the phone. i cant do anything bc i cant see him. and when im around him my thoughts just leave me. i cant talk to him on the phone bc i dont say anything n i cant understand him. now i have to wait till friday... and even tho then i doubt ill say anything.

 

what i wanted to say was that, yes.. that first kiss was a mistake. i kept shut bc i did like you.
my whole “goal” was to make it by myself.
I didn’t want to be come dependent on anyone… again.
I was no good with it before.. I doubted I would be again.

im often asked what im going to be.. why my purpose in life is?
I keep shut on that subject to bc when the truth is told they feel shocked as if they didn’t expect it. as if I was bullshitting them the whole time.
im meant to be alone.
I give the love that I give to someone
what the fuck im doing? idk but it seems to keep them around.
and as for me? I feel the love given to me is too much.
im afraid of commitment
im afraid of time
im afraid of fate
this is why I beloing alone

now this doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I do.
but im afraid of where this is going..
its not my fault.. w.e, say what you want. you cant change my thoughts.
its what I thought.. and yes I do believe you.
I turned you down.. that’s what my fault is.
you might be blind or something but I do.
how? so weve lost our Tuesdays.. what do I think?
I think weve taken sex in a wrong way. ß that me turning you down
I seem to see sex in a different way as you do.
obviously bc I couldn’t give you a definition for it.
but this is what I think.. love vs. sex.
that’s how I see it.. it seems you see it as
love = sex or sex = love.
I constantly agitate these too…
still doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
I do.
its just that we see things differently.. that we fail to notice or speak of.



and this is what all that crap means:
what we need (everyone) is be with someone that keep you sane..
zach.. you keeps me sane while my mind keeps me rabid.
and now im in a state of purgatory.. this is ending up to be a sorry excuse for an explaination.
im sick of this.. im not meant for a kinship.. im no good with them
honestly.. I feel someone else could be better for you.
unlike me.. its hard for me to accept what your giving me.

wasnt so bad.. school was boring but then again it always is, so what did i really expect.
during my lunch period .. as usual i got outside for lunchwith sasquach, sol, n webster.. weiner didnt come today but she was replaced by paul.
i promised to stop smoking but i went on with that promise for a week n ...3 days? i couldnt help it.. i was offered.. paul.. such a good friend no.
anyways.. skipped chem to stay out longer but got cold.. cody called but ehh..
did my laundry n some loser-crepp comes up to to asking me my age n shit.. said i was 15 n left. had to go back n pick up my clothes so i tried to have martha on the phone with me but she didnt pick up.. fucking creep.. the guy not martha.
just a few minutes ago i saw alfy n alex [jooguy] outside.. we chilled for a while in the rain.. looking to steal a bike for alfy. thought i go look for one myself. the last one he stole he threw out just bc the tire popped n didnt wanna pay for a fix. what a loser.
came back in to finish some work.. then called out again by sean-y-boy n clai bc sean came back from florida yesterday..
couldnt stay out long bc of my stupid conduct sheet.. so we need to chill some time agian.
yea that was my day..

so besides the fact that
i broke a promise..
on lock-down bc of my daily conduct sheet
have ntohing for codys birthday
n have gone through 4 days without sleep.
i say im doing a-okay.

also i just made 100 dolares.. mmm</p>

im sad.. im drunk

i do..
sebby's entry inspiried me to just have me write this, even if its unorganized.
let me start with seb.</p> yes we went through parsons together.. i think we actually met when i saw your phone outside form the third floor window. why was i looking out the window? only you know.. bc i have that a.d.d. after that its been hanging out at wendy's with our cheese fries n curshes on close friends. i really wish to see you again.. ill show you my retarded DDR skills.

reut.. my newt</p> one girl id really like to see since she left. yes we planned or somewhat planned to see each other with a group of others to se you during spring break. we never got to a complete plan tho. n if your mad i take the blame. i miss you alot with the near death of kickball .. my old football buddie..

darren.. </p> im your robot n yes ive learned to accept it. since seventh grade man!! teh sharing advice of what we claimed was love. i miss you. i was so happy to hear you joined track.. n i loved how you came to the giorls meet when the guys meets were the day before. i miss going to 154 n playing handball n swinging on the swings pretending n lying we were at regents practice.. i passed tho.. haha

moses.. timmy</p> such a name.. we were good friends even tho us never worked out more than that. but im glad i can still call you a friend n not a jerk.. we constatnly agrue on sports but well see 2006. n yes maybe we will go to disney world

martha.. marz</p> who came up with that name any ways? hah. i stil ltalk to you on the phone.. n thank god its free bc i would have had to sell my soul by now to just pay the bill. i miss you too. from the trying to find ourself in the punk scene to you movingo n to the ghetto dominican scene. hey it was experimental so w.e. i miss you the whole bad talking of joel n anglica n all of them for whatever shit they did.. ill call you today so theres not much to write.

susan.. susanna</p>, you always hated that name. man susie i havnet seen you since your sweet 15. which was al ot of fun. you should come by new york alot more often!!! i miss your obessions with shane west n john mayer. n then the other guy i wont meniton for privacy.

brian..</p> my brian always telling me my mind is somewhere else. you are literally my drug buddie. even tho were stopping. n im glad im stopping with you beside me. yes.. our socks.

pietro</p>, the p-man. i love how everything i like you hate n everything i love you hate. were such opposites but we made it through with a friendship. i love you n how the only thing we have in common is hating lewis. but most of all i loved how i pushed you around.

aj</p>, the one i can talk to n not be afraid that a secret will come out. altho when we drink we share n hide alot more. its good. i wish i had the confidence to tell you more when were sober. now youve taken pietros place for walking me to get ice cream n rewatching movies. your the only one i trust of the 3 to get in a car with. thanks.. can you come with me to burger nosh for dinner?

jason..chinaman</p> CHINO. i miss research n our complaining. we hated each other didnt we? anyways we shared how high stories to each other n even had our own drunkin moment too. i miss those cold fridays with you n amanda at the park n walking to your place for a bathroom stop. but i think you should quit too. n dont worry your talks are always safe with me

amanda.. woo</p>how did we meet.. track no? well your rite.. i should get back to that. same for you as jason.. but damn its funny seeing you hyper/drunk.. somehow well be "sister" by the bottom of our noses.

aly</p>...6 years!! damnnnnn six years!!! ive known you for that long. thats amazing.. unfortunately i stopped believeing n going to church 4 years ago but were still friends after a while of not seeing each other. im glad i get ot see you in bayside. n see you during gym.. even if i dont show up

kris</p>.. since parsons no? yea ninth grade was a drag, but now isnt sooo bad rite? we get more friends that dont cause problems.. I MISS MAX!!! haha ive shared randomness with you too especially my perverted moment.. but we can forget about those rite?? please n froget about those pictures too!!!

sol</p> i met you in 10th grade but you left me but now your back!!! im glad you are.. if you didnt who would i be able to share a sandwich too? who would i be able to ask questions that really have no answers? :) your such a good friend.. id share a sandwich with you anyday

nicole.. WEINER!!!</p>haha yes n your response is "moss your such a penis" w.e you earned your name n thats it. but because of you bayside now knows me by only moss. thanks really. you never let me cheat off of you during psych. you never sent me a lab.. then why am i writing about you? bc you are a good friend/ n bc you met cody before anyone.. n no were not financially impaired!!

amelia</p> you came to my lab class n then we became closen now your gone.. fuck. well we still see each other during gym.. when i sho up n have a morning smoke once n a while. i love how we have so much in common. the school we wanna go to.. our past.. our problems.. our hobbies.. shitt only thing that we dont have in common is where we live. but i love how we shareda 4.20 together

sasqwach</p>.. man.. i love how we have outside lunch now.. hehehyour very open on your sex-opinion. sometimes a lil too open.. n i really cant believe you have a turtle! im seriously thinking me n weiner wanna see it.. or at least i do.. damn my curiousity. english wouldnt be fun if you werent there across form me making faces n sign language.

sean n clai</p> oh man.. i cant beleive i found you guys.. hehe ok so you found me. how long was it.. 5 years of NOT seeing you guys.. damnnn.. thats a long ass time. but im glad now we hang out.. i see your shows, we walk in the rain.. yay.. :) love you babes

zach</p>.. you were my first.. thats all there is to say.

plans --> today: school n nicoles soccer game..
sat: tribeca film festival
sun: - - - -
monday: doctor n dmv
tuesday: work n library n paola's birthday thingy
wedneesday: work n run to andre's 18 bday party
thursday: supposedly to SIX FLAGS
friday: movie with cody n his bro.
sat: - - - - maybe do my work thats due next week
sun: find brian, pietro n aj

so im accepting that im not a good firned.
n im not the friend everyone wants to be around.
im accepting that im not the daughter i was suppose to be.
im accepting that im failing n not getting anywhere in life
n im accepting that i have a personality disorder.
im accepting that im not a girlfriend.. n never will.
im accepting that most pple dont liek me
n that i am an outcast.
n im sad to say.. that im accepting that i am an addict.

im so glad that no one reads this.
my own thoughts.. kinda like im talking to myself.
my own therapy.. shit i need a smoke.</p>
ive had to quit bc my bf doesnt like the fact that thats my own real happiness.yea its gonna fuck me up.. but then again look how everything else fucks me up.
hmm so what happened to day that i cant write on my xanga? yea so i got asked to go to prom. actualyl a while ago but damn im a junior.. hes a senior. i was actually shocked. hes a good kid n all but i dunno prom has lost its touch in being a "friend"-ful event.so instead of telling him the bullshit excuse "ill think about it." i had to tell him. "i have a bf n i dont think hed like it bc i didnt even go to his. n beside i know you can find someone else other than me .. your last resort." n he just laughed n pinched my cheek. wtf does that mean?</p> I don’t get guy .. never did.
I was thinking.. how was I a yer ago.. when I said.. oh yea.. with zach.
so what about two years ago? n I just laugh bc I was perverted lil fuck.
I was really in that childish age where it was all questioning about sex but hiding it in jokes.
shit.. that’s means I was a horny girll.. that doesn’t even sound rite.
! its mostly common in guys. damn.. how am I gonna be in the next two years.
hmm maybe with zach. =/
...I'm sorry but it's hard to feel swift
When stuck in my stomach is a cannon ball anchor..
im so random but that’s what happens when you're pissed about being pissed.</p>
yea two years from now..so he told me how in while I sleep I tell him how I wanna marry him.
why would I even think that?
yea hes a great guy but.. I cant marry him.. ill just pull him back.
while I was being a pervert he was probably out just hanging out. idk.. bad example. but I get what im trying to say.
I actually thought that this “thing” we were having was just gonna be his lil fling.
I knew I was just gonna get hitched.. but apparently im still waiting. =/
um m mmmm mmmmm mmm mmm mm marrying him.
thatll be a disaster.</p>